


Devolved

by Aaronlisa



Category: Dollhouse
Genre: Angst, F/M, Gen, Implied Relationships, Memory Loss, Sort of Crossover, encompasses entire season
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-19
Updated: 2018-03-19
Packaged: 2019-04-04 12:48:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14020578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aaronlisa/pseuds/Aaronlisa
Summary: All that she knew was that it was important to try to be her best.





	Devolved

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally written for Whedonland's "My favourite things" challenge. It encompasses the entire series, including the two Epitaph episodes. There is an extremely minor crossover twist at the end - you can read the last paragraph or not.

She had no way of knowing that she was the first Whiskey or that before the attack, she had been three years into a five-year contract. All that she knew was that it was important to try to be her best. That’s all she wanted as she glided the familiar pathways of her home that she shared with others. There was no one to tell her that underneath the surface locked away somewhere, there was another girl who had once worn her face and her body, not Topher, not Dr. Saunders, not her handler, no one. Just as there was no one who would bother to tell her that pride as a bad thing so her pride went unchecked as she allowed herself to believe that she no longer needed to try because she was the best. 

* * *

Dr. Claire Saunder’s world had significantly narrowed in scope. Where once her life had been vibrant and full of many things, now it was narrowed to the confines of the LA Dollhouse after the attack. She was lucky to have survived but a part of her wishes that she hadn’t. It’s more than just the scars on her face or the hollowness that she feels. She knows what Topher calls her and how some of the handlers have taken to call her the _Phantom_ behind her back. She watches the actives with an eagle eye, alert for anything that might be slightly off, that might lead to another Alpha. Claire spends hours and hours on unread reports and at staff meetings her concerns are ignored so that she lives up to her unwanted nickname more and more. Yet despite the futility of it all, she applies herself because it’s better than facing her family, her friends and her old life that she once owned prior to Alpha. 

* * *

As it slowly sinks that she’s not real, that she’s just another doll, a broken one, a _Frankenstein_ monster pieced together in Topher’s lab, things start to make sense. Her refusal to reconnect to her old life, her complete distrust of Topher (as it is, she barely trusts Ivy but she goes to Ivy every three months so that Ivy can back her up on a drive because it’s mandatory), and her fear of the world outside of the Dollhouse all make sense. She wonders how much of her life is instinct and how much of it is Topher's programming, just as she wonders if she’s done her five years or not and whether the fact that she’s now just a broken doll imprinted to play at being the doctor of the house is why no one ever listens to her or takes her seriously. 

* * *

Whiskey adored how Echo had always looked up to her. One day when she was done her treatment, Topher had offhandedly promised her a new best friend to play with and she was so happy at the thought. Lately Alpha had become all sulky and Whiskey didn’t like that. And then one day, when Whiskey was walking out of Dr. Saunder’s office, a lollipop in hand, there was Echo: dark brown curls, wide brown eyes and full lips. The girl looked lost as she looked about dazed and as she stared at her, Whiskey felt something that she couldn’t quite place. In the end, Echo looked up to her and Whiskey always told her that it was important to try to be her best. To try to be her best was the most important thing. And then Alpha… 

* * *

Boyd listened, even after he knew, he listened and he never treated her like she was just a broken doll one step away from being sent to the Attic. He treated her like a person; he loved her like a person. She found meaning, comfort and purpose in his arms like she had once had tried to be her best. In the stolen moments that they had, she stopped worrying about Whiskey. She stopped worrying about that nameless girl contained in a file locked away in the desk drawer in her office, Dr. Saunder’s office, back at the Dollhouse. Claire lived for Boyd and she felt healed in his arms. When she was with him, even with the shadows of Echo, Alpha, Topher and the Dollhouse looming large over their life together, she felt real. 

_Do you trust me?  
With my life._

Some habits die-hard and even as he betrayed her with his smiles and oh-so sweet kisses, she trusted him as he slowly turned into another, new _Frankenstein_ monster. 

* * *

When Claire returns to the Dollhouse, the file that’s locked away in the lower right-hand drawer of her desk tempts her. _Who are you?_ is a question that haunts her when she looks in the mirror. Her reflection has become so unfamiliar to her but she pretends that everything is normal. When they come back after their war to take down Rossum, she still waits for Boyd because he had promised her that he’d return for her when it’s safe. And even though she knows that there’s something that they’re not telling her, it’s obvious that there is something amiss in the looks that pass between Echo, Paul and Adelle. 

* * *

She realizes one day as she cares for Topher, who is now broken just as she is but in a different way, that she no longer despises him. She no longer hates him for what he did to her. All of his chickens are coming home to roost, all of the people that he damaged but Paul and Echo, are holing themselves in the Dollhouse as the sky falls down. And she, Claire, realizes that her hate is pointless now as his genius slowly eats away at him as his good days become few and few. Yet she still sees Adelle with her razor sharp smile as the enemy and she longs for Echo to save them all. 

* * *

They’re all gone now not that she knows _who_ they are anymore, except for Boyd. She just knows that the house is empty when once it was full. Every now and then she’ll stop somewhere and just on the verge of her memory a scene will dance but as she tries to grab at it, it fades away. She’s become the _Phantom_ just as predicted by … 

* * *

Her Boyd is the last to fade away, all that is left in her mind is a memory of a promise, of gentle hands and sweetness until all that remains is the fact that she is waiting, waiting, and waiting. And while she waits, she tries to be her best. She paints (although there is no more black paint left), she swims, she exercises and so on as she glides to and fro the House now empty but for her with a blank face and a blank mind. She can’t stand looking into mirrors anymore because when she looks into them, she sees an image of herself bitter and scarred that doesn’t exist. Did it ever? 

* * *

The argument had gone on far too long in Claire’s mind and finally she ends it by handing Adelle an imprint. It’s a basic imprint without all of Topher’s tinkering (or anyone else’s) that he had used to make her. The bare bones as it were that turned Whiskey into Claire. She tells them that someone needs to stay behind (for Boyd) in case others find their way here. Echo can take on one more personality for the road. She, Claire, is just a broken and tired doll. Not that she tells this to Echo or Adelle, instead she carefully ensures that her argument is logical and rational. 

In the end she thinks that they leave her behind because they don’t really trust her and it makes her wonder: what did she do? She’s missing time in between running away to be with Boyd and returning back to the Dollhouse. That time is something that no one wants her to have back, not even herself, but her nightmares… 

She sedates herself at first and when that doesn’t work, she uses Adelle’s whiskey to numb her mind so that she can sleep. Adelle’s whiskey goes down smooth, only the best for Adelle. Eventually she starts sleeping in one of the unused pods and she wonders if it was hers when she was nothing more than a blank slate. When Claire was Whiskey and everything was perfect in her little world. 

* * *

One day, she decides that it’s time she knew who she was before. Before the world fell apart due to Topher’s genius, before she was Claire, but not before she was the girl that’s locked away. She doesn’t want to know what brought her to the Dollhouse or who she was. That girl as far as Claire is concerned is long gone and dead, and there’s no sense in digging up that grave. Even Whiskey who comes out now more and more when Claire can’t handle the pressure of being here by herself doesn’t want that knowledge. 

Back when things were normal, she had had access to all of the files but Alpha’s and the first Whiskey’s, when she found out who she was; Adelle had released those files to her. When Claire had found out that her life was a lie, that all of those late nights studying and working to become a doctor were just fantasy, she hadn’t wanted to find out what the truth was. It was easier to live a lie and condemn Topher for his actions. 

Now she wants to know who she’s slowly becoming so she opens the files and reads about the active that just wanted to be her best and had paid for it over and over again. 

* * *

There was once a pretty girl with a boy’s name who had packed up her mother’s old station wagon on the verge of a grand adventure. She had left home in Dallas and headed to UCLA to learn more. One day in at work at Stewart Brunell Public Library, she had a breakdown. Her mind was lost to her and eventually her parents were convinced that if they allowed the Rossum corporation to take over her personal care, they might have their little girl back, so her parents after many tears had signed the forms never knowing that they were creating a whole new life for their daughter, not one where she would be truly cured. At least, she wasn’t plagued by a life full of vampires and demons. 

**END**


End file.
